For those of you who don't know, this semester I took the English Senior Seminar. This is our capstone class and at the end, we have to write a 15-20 page paper analyzing a narrative of our choice. I chose The Book Thief by Markus Zusak because it's my favorite book and rereading it for class was not painful and because it's full of material to use.
That being said, I am still a first class passenger on the struggle bus.
It's incredibly difficult for me to feel like I'm making progress when I have five pages left to meet the minimum and I'm already worried I'll run out of things to say. This is in part because I worry that if I have to force length into an essay, I end up repeating myself.
It's also difficult because I love this professor. Her name is Erin James and you should totally take a class from her if you ever have the chance. She is amazing. So yeah, I don't want to disappoint her. I went in to her office to talk about my paper a few times and she's one of those professors who has the ability to make you excited about your major because she's excited about it, too. And she's told me that I have a good idea and she's excited to read my final paper.
So, naturally, I'm paralyzed. I'm so afraid I won't do a good enough job and that I'll disappoint her and I'll disappoint myself. Added to that is the fact that this is supposed to the crowning achievement of my career as an English major.
In short: I have writer's block, combined with stage fright and with a good helping of the fear of disappointing someone I admire thrown in to make a nice, tasty stress feast.
*stress eats goldfish*
I know how I could solve this. It's the same problem I face every time I start a first draft. I have to find a way to shut up my inner critic, my internal editor, and just write. The thing I am good at (most days.)
And I can't seem to do it. Why? My theory is it's because I know for a fact someone else will read this, whether I want them to or not. With my stories, there's always the chance I can decide no one else will read the story. Not true with a senior capstone essay.
In other (more exciting news) this morning I took my last ever psychology final. I am officially done with all my psychology classes. Even though I'm not graduating until May, I technically have a psychology degree now and that's pretty damn exciting.
